The American Condition Remains Unstable.
A satirical publication filing fictional stories about American systems, media, culture, and technology.
DepartmentBreaking News
FiledJohn Herring
A small art collective calling itself the Fentanyl Players is staging still-life photography across sidewalks and parks by costuming people locked in the city’s familiar standing fentanyl stupor. Members of the troupe drape period clothing, adjust props, and tuck symbolic objects into subjects’ arms and waistlines while they remain upright, motionless, and unaware.
DepartmentHistorical Deep Dives
FiledSenior Editor
While many adults dismiss “6-7” as meaningless internet slang, the phrase has a historical origin younger students learn in High School. The phrase confuses adults because of declining educational standards in America, where most people can’t find modern Greece on the map, let alone name a lesser known Greek politician who lived 2000 years ago. …
DepartmentCrime
FiledJohn Herring
An 11-year-old boy was briefly pursued through a Pennsylvania Family Dollar this week by a black bear that wildlife officials now believe may have been responding to prolonged economic displacement. Initial reports described the bear as “agitated but focused,” moving quickly through the seasonal aisle before pausing near a display of heavily discounted snack foods. …
DepartmentBreaking News
FiledSenior Editor
A newly released set of internal Pentagon documents indicates that the boats struck in a Yemen operation earlier this year were carrying unlicensed Fuggler plush units, including variants previously barred from commercial distribution. The leak includes correspondence from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who instructed staff to find drugs in “the dead guyses [sic] boat.” Hegseth’s …
DepartmentAI
FiledSenior Editor
Staff at national valuation firm Wayland & Whateley reported Monday that a calendar invite labeled “Quick Sync” was multiplying out of control inside the company’s scheduling system, forming what one senior appraiser described as “a widening administrative zone.” The original invite was a 15 minute meeting with no agenda and no owner which first duplicated …
DepartmentBreaking News
FiledJohn Herring
Media analysts confirmed Tuesday that TikTok now functions as the primary news delivery platform for millions of Americans, surpassing traditional outlets by compressing global events into 27-second videos filmed from front-facing cameras. According to the Digital Literacy Forum, users now receive updates on war, inflation, climate events, and nuclear tensions from individuals standing in parked …
DepartmentEnd Of The American Experiment
FiledSenior Editor
President Trump referenced the idea of people being “hung” today, prompting an immediate nationwide administrative ceremony in which the phrase was folded, labeled, laminated, and placed gently into the government’s “Decorative Menace” drawer. The process, practiced and efficient, begins when a politically alarming phrase enters public space and is immediately softened by analysts using specialized …
DepartmentCOVID-19
FiledJohn Herring
This Silicon Valley start-up claims that their app helps people get through illness, natural disasters, and stress, while creating sustainable jobs for families in low-income countries. At American Standard news, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, so we asked Chad Bradenson, the product director for Ryte, for a private demonstration. Bradenson explained that he and his …